We live in a society full of fear. We over-regulate nuclear power, have airbags on everything but our pee-holes, have to wear helmets to sleep safely and can't play with anything that has a corner. George Carlin was right — we are definitely a paranoid bunch not willing to take a chance. And so George would agree that our fear of germs is pretty ridiculous as well. We can get food poisoning, chicken flu, bacterial infections, colds, viruses, STDs. We can even get AIDs from kissing! Holy shit, doctor — you're a fricking moron!

So it's no surprise that one day I went to the bathroom and as the person in the stall next to me sat down, I heard tissue paper crinkling. It was enough to make Seinfeld have a seisure. What's with that??? Apparently we can't even shit in peace. While we are defecating, germs are trying to kill us through the back door! Will we ever be safe?!?! Not if you live scared. See, I can go to the bathroom, sit down, do my business and not have to use a piece of paper to shield my ass from the grim reapers living on the toilet seat. It saves me the time and humiliation of putting a thin piece of wax paper under my ass. Also, it gives my immune system some practice!

People forget that your skin is your first line of defense. Bacteria isn't going to seep into your pores and take over your body. You have to somehow eat or suck in this stuff. Now, maybe some of you shit and snack at the same time, but that's not my style — and I don't recommend adopting that habit. Overall, I think toilet seat covers are symbolic of many things we do in this country to make us feel safe — to give us the illusion of safety. It's a band-aid fix for what pretty much amounts to general sloppiness and poor personal hygeine. In some cases, I guess it makes up for lack of dexterity — but come on, it's not that hard to aim, is it?

Instead of drinking toilet water, rubbing your genitals on public surfaces and licking toilets, why don't you just be careful, stay in good health and not worry so much about stuff? Worrying about germs messes up your immune system, which lets germs kill you. Twice. In your sleep.